Originally published 6/15/08, 12:58 AM.
The Yeshiva World and the Children of Ba'alei Teshuva:The Ugly Secret,
By Catriel Sugarman,
Researcher on Jewish Issues, Social Critic, Lecturer,
acatriel@netvision.net.il
Ba'alei Teshuva—sometimes translated to mean "penitents," but, more commonly used to refer to Jews from secular backgrounds who have become religiously observant, often hareidi, or ultra-Orthodox—have been held in high regard by Jewish tradition. In the Talmud (Berachot 34b), Rabbi Abbahu says: The [elevated] position that ba'alei teshuva attain, tzadikim gemurim [those who were always righteous] are unable to reach." Try telling that to Avigail Meizlik, who recently wrote a controversial article in Mishpacha, a highly regarded English hareidi magazine, about "issues" a'alei teshuva (BTs) face when they try to affiliate with various hareidi communities in Israel. According to Ms. Meizlik, when it comes time to register their children in mainstream hareidi schools, the BTs are rejected, finding, to their dismay, that they were never really part of their chosen community after all. This is true not only in Israel. In the United States, too, the children of BTs—along with the offspring of Jews of Sephardic background—are increasingly denied entry into mainstream hareidi schools.
For details see:
http://jewishvoiceandopinion.com/pdf/200806.pdf
In your PDF readers, go to page 29.
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Kol Tuv / Best Regards,
RabbiRichWolpoe@Gmail.com
15 comments:
Because of Nishma's desire to spread light and not heat, this post is most unusual.
It's also very late to the game. This is an issue that's been talked about for years on other blogs and in the news.
Essentially, when you strip away all the Chareidi spin, too many of them believe that the only good Jew is an Ashkenazi Chareidi Jew and that to protect their children from the negative influences that come with baalei teshuvah and - gasp! - Sephardim, they must isolate themselves from those target groups despite official pronouncements on how much they love them.
The dirty secret of Aish and Ohr is that they want you to become frum but not to date their daughters once they do. A BT will always have two p'gams - one is that he used to be non-frum and that tu'umah cannot be removed, and the second is that he has non-reliigous family which, even though he may limit contact with them, is still out there and an even worse potential influence.
This same community will go to the wall to defend and hide child molesting rabbonim and encourage riots and violence against non-believers.
This article is simple the latest to point out the RACISM which the Chareidi community considers one of its core Daas Torah principles.
Does that sound harsh? Yes. Is is true? Ask any BT whose kids were denied a yeshivah spot in Israel if it is.
I don't know -- I've been a Chareidi BT for some 30 years now and have hardly encountered those sorts of issues; either when the kids were in school, or now when their in the shidduch scene.
When all is said and done, it comes down to personalities, the extent of one's Torah learning, and one's reputation in the community. Get a grip!
There are two points from "between the lines" that jump out at me. Of course, what is being presented is a matter of deep concern. It reflects the classic definition of discrimination, when someone is judged based upon his/her grouping rather than as an individual. Here we find Baalie Teshuva defined simply as part of a group with no concern for who they are as individuals. That is simply racism.
Yet many of the conclusions reached within the article and from the article are problematic. It is most significant that this subject -- in fact this very article in Mishpacha -- was brought up in the Charedi press and Charedi world. That at least shows that the view of the BY in the Charedi world is not monolithic. The very fact that the Charedi world is willing to critique itself is significant. True, people still defended the prejudice but the very fact that criticism was presented within this world has great significance. It informs us that the problem may be in the prejudice of many individuals within the Charedi world but is clearly far from a standard or general position in that world. We can critique the problem but not necessarily as a Charedi problem, i.e. a problem that is an outgrowth of Charedi thought.
We also have to recognize the actual substantive issue itself. While not advocating prejudice, I do also recognize that many of the problems that are perceived to exist in relating to the BT actually do exist. Do I think that this should be the basis for discriminatory behaviour? Absolutely not. But do I also recognize that marrying a BT does present real problems that need to be recognized and addressed and not simply ignored? Absolutely yes. Do I think that one should refrain from marrying a BT simply because that person is a BT? Clearly not, the same way I also believe that one should not refrain from marrying a convert because of his/her family. But would I critique someone who refrains from marrying a convert because of the difficulties the person envisions may arise? No, also. Many of the points expressed in the article went too far, much too far -- but some of the points do express concerns that, while I don't believe justify discrimination, do have some legitimate basis. People may forget that when the call of kiruv emerged in the 60's and 70's there were many Rosh Yeshivas who expressed a caution. While they commended those wishing to reach out to their fellow Jews, they also expressed concern that such connections will also flow both ways and many religious people may be, in turn, affected by those outside the pale. Is that necessarily bad or problematic? I think not, but I also do understand that there may be a concern in this and that this concern cannot simply be discarded as totally unjustified.
There are great issues touched upon within this article and clearly there is a concern for improper discrimination. But do we find this prejudice existent because we really think there should not be a concern for Baalei Teshuva affecting their FFB neighbouts or because we don't really think that sucha an effect is that bad anyways -- in fact it may be even good within our eyes? I was once told of a case of a woman who would not let her children play with another women's children, not because this other women had a tv but because this other women let her children play with other children who had a tv in their home. The story greatly offended me but was that because I truly believed that this argument itself was inherently faulty or because I really don't believe that a tv is such a problem. Do I think this woman is mistaken in thinking that her children will be negatively affected by tv through other children who play with other children who have a tv OR do I think this woman is mistaken to think that tv is so bad? That is the type of question that needs to be asked in regard to this entire article. It is too simple to simply denounce the entire problem. We have to dissect it to see what is really going on, what may be legitimate, what is the essential negative characteristic that we must challenge and to recognize what is view that, while we may disagree, still has to be respected and whatis totally evil.
Rabbi Ben Hecht
One must differentiate between the two parts of the problem:
1) Racism against Sephardim - ask any Israeli about how real the problem is. 'Nuff said
2) Articles like this are generally produced by people with an axe to grind. You won't read many stories about wel-adjusted BT's who became Rosh Yeshivos and whose kids married into some Gadol's family simply because these kinds of people go about their life without a need to shout about it.
On the other hand, people who have been given the shaft are more likely to complain and as a result, their voices are heard in a disproportionate amount.
Having said that, I know converts who have gone to tremendous measures to hide that fact so "it won't hurt the kids". I met a BT who invented a whole background story for himself so he wouldn't feel like he's "sticking out".
Yes, there are Chareidim who really walk the walk and love and accept BT's. But there are also idiots who are ruining it for the rest of them and, for some reason, they seem to be in positions of power more often than the nice guys.
My feelings when we encounter articles such as this one is, in a certain way, to be concerned about racism against Charedim. By this I mean attacks upon Charedi society because of the actions of individuals even though these actions do not really reflect the standards of the society as theoretically presented. IOW it is important and necessary to investigate, consider and evaluate Charedi official positions through the lens of Torah -- as it is important and necessary to do with all Torah theories that are presented. Yet, we must also be concerned that we do not define Charedi values by the actions of members of that community for these actions may in themselves be challenged by Charedi thought. We may question and wonder, though, how such perversion of Charedi thought still came to be, how such negative behaviour even pursuant to Charedi principles came to be so widespread.
This leads me to another observation in regard to the article. It may actually be that within Charedi thought there is a perception of a distinction between the BT and the FFB and this does permeate some aspects of their societal behaviour. The fact is that, within Torah arguments, there may actually be some arguments in support of such a distinction. There are clearly sources that point to an inherent pgam, problem, with a ben or bat Nidah and one who would argue that he/she does not want to marry a ben/bat Nidah does have sources to support such a contention. Cna one be faulted for relying upon such a view? (There is though a teshuva of Rav Moshe that deals with this issue and concludes that effectively one does not have to be concerned with this concern if the potential mate demonstrates proper middot.)
The problem that may really be inciting from this article may not be the discrimination itself but the falseness that abounds in dealing with this issue. IOW we could pssibly understand a concern by an FFB person in regard to a BT but what is most offensive is if this FFB person is found constantly singing the praises of this BT especially as this BT volunteered on behalf of this FFB person;s causes but then undercuts the BT in regard to any possible shiduch. I remember once a Chabad shaliach giving as a reason why Chabadnicks born frum don;t generally marry a BT because there is a belief that similarity in lifestyle in which one is brought up is an important factor in forming shidduchim. Did I not think that the person was also by presenting this explanation side-stepping the issue of ban or bat Niddah? Yes, but I still found it proper that this Chabad individual freely admitted that in Chabad -- even in Chabad with its extensive outreach - there was distinctions made between FFB and BT. They had there reasons with which we can agree or disagree. But what was important was that their was honesty in presenting this view. What may ultimately have bothered us in the article was actually the duplicity that was presented.
Rabbi Ben Hecht
In addressing the balance between appearance and substance, Chareidi thought and culture is heavily weighted towards the former. A person who wears the right clothes and says "takke" at the right point in the conversation is "one of us" regardless of almost any other behavioural anomalies he has.
On the other hand, Modern Orthodoxy, even the intellectual branch, biases itself towards substance, which means appearance is often neglected.
Thus one reason for the cold reception BT's get in some parts of the Chareidi world is their problematic appearance. Who are all those goyisher looking people in the family photos with the pointed rayon kippahs? Whaddaya mean that picture was taken of you at a rock concert? What's that little circular scar on your earlobe? Substance in this case is meaningless. It's appearance that gets you in.
On the other hand, this is probably why Modern Orthodoxy integrates a little too easily with the non-religious Jewish groups, because since appearance is of secondary value, any sincere Jew who has substance to his approach, even if it's the wrong one, is worthy of hanging around with. This leads to varied crowds but less focused as well.
The other thing to remember is that BT's bring with them a passion and sincerity that is often lacking in the life of a person who is FFB. Thus there is often jealously from the FFB side against the people who, rookies as they are, daven with more intensity, learn with more enthusiasm and actually believe all those lines about being nice to your fellow Jew and being honest with everyone.
Feh!
Racism disguised as piety is one of the Jewish community's strength. Is there any comparison between the outreach efforts made to Russians and to the Ethiopians?
The bottom line is that certain elements of the religious community have so convinced themselves that Jews must look and dress exactly the same that they can't handle any thought that Jews might come in different colours. The same piety that guides their mitzvos makes them racist.
This is typical of a group of people who only care about appearances and not substance.
The narrower one's understanding of Torah, the less one is able to recognize and apply the principle of eilu v'eilu. If you define a mitzvah within the boundaries of a straightjacket, there is no flexibility to see the actual full parameters of the Halacha and the reality that there may be more than one way to meet God's Will.
I think a very worthwhile point has been made by the anonymous contributor above. Promoting a certain view that may be attractive in its intensity, sureness and emotional vigour, may also result in a limitation, through its enhancement of the emotional, of the rational and intellectual reality of a world of less intensity, more questioning and thus more acceptance.
Rabbi Ben Hecht
I read the article based on the recommendation of a friend who was very upset by it; the comment she made was that she almost regretted becoming frum years ago if the ideas and attitudes presented in the article itself were true.
As a BT myself, I believe this was a reflex reaction based on high emotional involvement-which is totally understandable. I read the article and it did give me pause to vent a little, but my actual reaction was one based more on frustration than real anger or hurt.
Frustration is the operative and overriding feeling that (I believe) permeates a large and larger segment of the frum community these days. Cynicism is the other, and one can easily opine that the two go hand in hand.
The sociology of the Orthodox world has changed greatly since I first became religious over 20 years ago. I differentiate this growth pattern from the actual theology of Yiddishkeit, based on adherence to the Torah and doing mitzvot to the best of our human abilities. In this regard, the theological aspect of my "return" has been a relatively smooth trajectory; once I accepted the primacy of the Torah and its attendant teachings for the Jewish people to learn, the conflicts and theological issues that at one time seemed so precipitous gradually shrunk to a more human and digestible level. The level of cognitive dissonance regarding the tenants of Judaism gradually relaxed and morphed into incorporating Torah into my life in the path toward a more meaningful existence.
The sociological aspects of the religious world has been more problematic. To begin, the Orthodox community in America (fyi: I live in Clifton/Passaic) has become more affluent. In some cases, massively more affluent, and this has caused less humility and more arrogance in many cases. The vehicle for this is outright materialism -yeah, good 'ol gashmius- that has engendered a snot nose attitude in the minds and actions of many people. Lest anyone assume this writer is of the sour grapes variety- guess again; I am no "ani" by any stretch of the imagination. The degree to which designer labels (for the adults and kids), gardeners, landscapers, and $800 strollers have become not only accepted but EXPECTED is beyond anything I have ever experienced.
Never before in the decades since I became frum have so many people in my community (and others outside of mine) displayed such rude attitudes and gestures, refusing or avoiding a response to a "good shabbos" greeting , or even a simple "good morning" -or even a smile.
I hate to even think about the many people whom we have invited for a shabbos or yom tov meal,or perhaps those we have met while guests elsewhere who have avoided a simple acknowledgment of my very existence thereafter. Lest anyone think this is isolated and limited to this writer, I've got news for you:it is so common, this snotty, arrogant, and insular attitude- that is has become a regular topic of conversation among those of us who are still consider ourselves normal. There are so many additional factors- appearance, style of dress, where you work, where you daven- the list goes on, and each topic becomes another target for the ever growing judgmental elements of the community to cast judgement and ramp up the insularity factor that is at times off the map!
Sadly the orthodox community has become infected with a "lo taaseh/ assur" attitude. Everything has shifted to the right where every available chumrah is invoked by those who are often the least learned. Basic social skills and social graces are not being taught to kids because they are not being properly demonstrated by parents and other adults. Meanwhile many yeshivos are making children and parents insane with stricter and more narrow hashkafos -which fall under the general rubric of the "it's got to be assur" attitude.
Lest anyone doubt these generalizations, I have many real examples of what I've written.
...So those of us who bit the bullet and became frum have found the communities we live in are not the same happy places we once experienced. Add to this the huge financial strain of supporting a family (which they never discussed in BT yeshivos or seminars...) and you have frustration. Now, add to this the topics and examples covered in the article and that frustration increases by orders of magnitude.
I first want to point out that I'm not the same anonymous as the other one. I dress much better than he does.
Secondly, I agree with his points completely. Throughout Jewish history, money has ruined our attitude towards the Divine and each other. One need only glance over our long list of tragedies to see how many occured when things were going relatively well for the community involved.
I also chose to accept a frum lifestyle on myself but I did so from a position of knowledgeable cynicism. Unlike many BT's I had no illusions about the "sanctity" and "holiness" of the frum world. I knew all the defects and corruption that existed. I chose to become frum despite that because I wasn't do it to be in good with the messengers but rather with the message. I did it for God. If the rest of the frum community can't figure out what being frum really means, too bad for them. It doesn't change that the Torah is true and pure and that its ways are those of pleasantness.
NOTE: BT's in the 1960's and 1970's were treated pretty well- by and large- in most RW Yeshivos. Outreach was welcome and BT's were more-or-less mainstreamed. now SOME BT's were clearly "unstable" types who no doubt radiated suspicious vibes. Bu for the most part BT's were accept.
I think this ALLEGED trend to discriminate against BT's is relatively new and reflects a change in attitude.
Re: the Heat vs. Light,. the article was presented as disturbing. I think it is. I cannot verify its veracity but I think we need to confront it. I took some comfort in that no names were used.
Since these guidelines of not naming names nor picking on individuals was fairly well-met by the author, I went ahead with it. Of course it also slammed an entire community - and granted THAT is a BIG problem. But oterwise it eschewed ad hominem attacks.
Now, many have read this article as primarily an attack on hareidism. I read this as more of a protest against VICTIMIZATION of BT's. I guess if you were defending abused wives your article MIGHT be seen as an attack on abusive husbands and see that as an attacking article. But I find that the main point here was about BT's as victims, just like abused wives might be victims. And So I Posted it with that angle primarily in mind.
There indeed will be HEAT in unmasking those Hareidim who abuse BT's but I think to shed LIGHT on the Abuse overweighs this concern. nevertheless, I am not taking this article as the entire truth. There may INDEED be hareidim who are internally protesting this behaviour. I just don't know all the facts.
IT IS a fact that this article provoked a lot of discussion in our "Shabbat" circle and I would have been remiss to ignore the issue.
KT
RRW
I'm no longer "anonymous" - I picked a name that fits me.
That the other anonymous dresses better than I is nothing really special; my wardrobe is about as extensive as Fred Flinstone's.
I have no problem whatsoever with affluence; I don't believe in wealth re-distribution or similar socialist principles. Many members of Klal Yisroel who have achieved financial success have perpetuated our survival through their generosity. I hope to emulate them some day. Money is not intrinsically evil, but the attitude engendered by false materialism can be quite evil.
To summarize some the ideas that I took issue with, in somewhat altered language: the comfort level of many orthodox Jews has risen dramatically over the years. The financial success that many of us have obtained has NOT been met with a commensurate increase in humility and manners. Children and adults - especially those of marriageable age who are supported by their parents following the big wedding-have become downright spoiled where little is expected of them. Along these lines, proper social skills are NOT taught, NOT expected, and as a result, NOT demonstrated. The end result is a growing community of often young, affluent frummies who have been given everything with no expectations in return. To put it another way: I don't give a damn how wealthy or generous someone is; if I say good shabbos or good morning to them, I expect a similar response. If I walk around in shorts and a t-shirt (since I'm a contractor, this is how I dress when the weather is hot) I DO NOT expect to be looked upon with an overt sense of disgust or horror as if I were a g-o-y.
I applaud "anonymous" for embracing Yiddishkeit for the sake of Hashem, with little or no expectations from the frum community. However, not everyone can be expected to be so pure in their decision to do the same. The fact is that despite having "knowledgeable cynicism" , a huge number of the frum community are, in fact, exemplary people who don't deserve such a presumption of guilt- they deserve the benefit of the doubt!
Sadly, there is a specter that is beginning to haunt us and may metastasize into something that is uncontrollable. This is the gashmius driven arrogant and judgmental attitude that many frum people have developed, and ingrained within their children. The article under discussion demonstrates this. It also demonstrates that many Rabbi's and religious leaders are equally guilty of fostering discriminatory attitudes toward BT's.
In short order, we are being plagued by a new culture of "issur" and "lo taaseh", compounded by more chumrahs, bans, edicts, and separitism.
I would not suggest that I felt or feel that the entire frum community is corrupt or defective, chas v'shalom. My point merely was that I did not expect to find a homogenous community of tzaddikim but rather extremes at both ends of the spectrum and a large number of people in between, just like in any other ethnocultural community. So when I found such a mix, I wasn't disappointed.
Also, I think Fred Flinstone is a snappy dresser. Not everyone can make an outfit like that work, especially on prime-time TV.
Finally, I've always had this thought in the back of my head. Absentee parents will often buy frequent gifts for their children, sort of as a way to make up for the guilt they feel for not being around at all. As a result, the kids grow up to believe that love is expressed in free gifts that have not been earned by any action.
I wonder if the new "issur" culture is a parallel in that kind of thinking. We know we're living a little too well for what the Torah wants for us. We're a little too materialistic, we put a little too much emphasis on money and what it can buy, along with social status. And to compensate, we buy our conscience gifts: new probibitions so we can feel like we're still doing some kind of mesirus hanefesh.
I would not suggest that I felt or feel that the entire frum community is corrupt or defective, chas v'shalom. My point merely was that I did not expect to find a homogenous community of tzaddikim but rather extremes at both ends of the spectrum and a large number of people in between, just like in any other ethnocultural community. So when I found such a mix, I wasn't disappointed.
Also, I think Fred Flinstone is a snappy dresser. Not everyone can make an outfit like that work, especially on prime-time TV.
Finally, I've always had this thought in the back of my head. Absentee parents will often buy frequent gifts for their children, sort of as a way to make up for the guilt they feel for not being around at all. As a result, the kids grow up to believe that love is expressed in free gifts that have not been earned by any action.
I wonder if the new "issur" culture is a parallel in that kind of thinking. We know we're living a little too well for what the Torah wants for us. We're a little too materialistic, we put a little too much emphasis on money and what it can buy, along with social status. And to compensate, we buy our conscience gifts: new probibitions so we can feel like we're still doing some kind of mesirus hanefesh.
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