JVO: Daughter's Jewishness

Jewish Values Online (jewishvaluesonline.org) is a website that asks the Jewish view on a variety of issues, some specifically Jewish and some from the world around us -- and then presents answers from each of the dominations of Judaism. Nishmablog's Blogmaster Rabbi Wolpoe and Nishma's Founding Director, Rabbi Hecht, both serve as Orthodox members of their Panel of Scholars.

This post continues this series on the Nishmablog that features responses on JVO by one of our two Nishma Scholars who are on this panel. This week's presentation is to one of the questions to which Rabbi Hecht responded.

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Question:

My daughter has a child with a non-Jewish man with whom she has since split. She leads a totally non-Jewish life, although she comes for Seder, etc. Her own father, who died at the age if 24, was not Jewish. I have since married a Jewish man. I truly hope and wish that my daughter ends up with a Jewish man, but given her choice of lifestyle I do not see how this can ever happen. Should I give up hoping and accept that this is a lost cause? She is my only child and I sense that she feels lost and is unhappy. All she wants is to have a family life. My own father was the only father figure in her life, but he died when she was six years old. I blame myself entirely for this situation as I was hardly a good example.

Rabbi Hecht's answer

There would seem to be two parts to this type of question. The first part would be: what is your obligation, as a Jew, in promoting Jewish identity in another Jew, in this case your daughter? The answer to that is straightforward; a Jew clearly has an obligation to assist another Jew in his/her observance of Torah. One argument for this is found in the halachic principle: kol Yisrael areivin zeh b’zeh, ‘all of Israel are guarantors for each other’. See Rashi, Rosh Hashana 29a where this principle is used to explain why one Jew, in various circumstances, can fulfill a mitzvah for another even though the one performing the mitzvah has already previously fulfilled his/her own obligation. As long as another Jew is under an obligation to perform a mitzvah, it is as if we all are so obligated – and responsible. See, also, T.B. Shavuot 39a.

 

In addition to this principle, an obligation of one Jew for the observance of another also arises from the command of hoche’ach tochi’ach et amitecha, ‘rebuke your fellow’, See Vayikra 19:17 and, for further  details, Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 239. While there are many practical rules that have to be considered in regard to the application of this law, its basic principle is that a Jew is responsible to take steps to correct or prevent another Jew from violating Halacha. In this regard as well, you would have an obligation to try and further your daughter’s Jewish identity.

 

The real issue, however, is, I believe, the other part of this question. Answering that you, as a Jew, have an obligation to promote Jewish identity in your daughter actually seems to present your daughter as an object, someone you are to act upon. The law seems to be telling you that you have an obligation to affect another – and that would seem to be without even a consideration of this other as a seperate person, an independent human being with a will of her own. So we must consider the other part of this question: in the interest of your daughter, should you attempt to promote her Jewish identity? Is it to the benefit of your daughter to promote her Jewish identity? This leads into the question of how you actually see Jewish identity, personally and in general. If you see it as a good thing that would benefit your daughter, how could you not promote it within her?

 

We have a principle within Jewish Law that we can convert non-Jewish children. The question still emerges: how is this possible for conversion demands the free-will acceptance by the candidate to become Jewish and children are not deemed able to make such a free-will decision? The answer lies in the halachic concept of zochin l’adam shelo be’fanav, ‘one can benefit another even without their consent.’ While transactions demand the free-will acceptance of the parties, such an acceptance is not deemed necessary from a party when the transaction would be fully and totally beneficial to this party. Applying this principle to the laws of conversion, it is deemed permissible to convert a child -- even as a child is absent the ability to make a reasoned, adult, free will decision of this nature -- because becoming Jewish is deemed to be a total benefit to the child. See Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 268:7. Within the principles of Torah, being Jewish is a good thing.

 

This, I would say, is the real issue with your daughter. Jewish thought believes that a Jew identifying as a Jew is good for that person – and if this is so, how could you then not further promote the furtherance of your daughter’s Jewish identity? Of course, there are many practical issues that would have to be addressed in determining how you would proceed from such a perspective. This is not a time for imposition or for the lack of recognition of your daughter’s own will. In the way you framed the question, though, it seems that you do believe that promoting your daughter’s Jewishness would be good for her. Jewish thought would agree and inform you that regardless of the past, it is never too late to assist others in improving their lives. Never stop hoping for the good – and more so, do whatever you can, properly and correctly, to bring it about.