Jewish Values Online (jewishvaluesonline.org)
is a website that asks the Jewish view on a variety of
issues, some specifically Jewish and some from the world
around us -- and then presents answers from each of the
dominations of Judaism. Nishmablog's Blogmaster Rabbi
Wolpoe and Nishma's Founding Director, Rabbi Hecht, both serve
as Orthodox members of their Panel of Scholars.
This
post continues this series on the Nishmablog that
features responses on JVO by one of our two Nishma Scholars who are
on this panel. This week's presentation is to one of the
questions to which Rabbi Hecht responded.
* * * * *
Question: My brother recently married a non-Jewish
woman. I went to the wedding, not because I wanted to, but because my
Mother insisted I go. My husband and I sat in a corner with our kosher
store bought sandwiches (no kosher food in sight) and made a presence.
It was a very uncomfortable evening, and has led to even more questions
for me. I love my brother very much and want to be part of his life, but
I truly do not want to be around his non-Jewish wife. We do not live in
the same city, so its not like we run into each other frequently, but I
am not sure what I am supposed to do for the occasions that we do meet.
I would consider myself modern Orthodox and my brother has gone beyond
non-observant; he now considers himself an atheist. What is the Jewish
view on these situations? Does one just try to be polite to the
non-Jewish spouse to maintain a relationship with the Jewish family
member? My husband and I hope to have a family soon. How do you handle
exposing your children to something you are teaching them is wrong? I
know the fact that I do not want to be at a table (or in the same room)
as his wife hurts my mother tremendously (she does not like what my
brother has done either, but fears losing him). Is my difficulty with my
brother and his wife a lack of respect for my mother as her children
cannot spend quality time together? I know there are several questions
listed here. I thank you in advance for your assistance with this.
Life
events generally do involve variant issues with a spectrum of ethical
concerns and, as such, many questions should actually be expected. You
are, as such, to actually be commended for voicing many of them. The
first challenge that often exists, though, is the proper articulation of
these concerns. This is not to say that you have presented your
questions incorrectly. What is often overlooked, though, is a necessary
investigation of the underlying ethical constructs upon which one may
base one’s perspectives, conclusions and dilemmas/questions. We often
assume certain ideas or viewpoints to be correct without a proper
consideration of the true underlying values or motivations in the
circumstances. In certain ways, this is also what we must first
investigate in regard to your questions. (It is with this in mind, that I
would also like to direct you to another question within this general
topic of intermarriage that was previously addressed on Jewish Values
Online. Please see http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/867.
As the development of my response in regard to this question may direct
me in a different way, my thoughts there may also be of assistance.)
The
essence of your inquiry is clearly the question of how you are to
relate to your brother given that he is now part of an intermarriage.
Perhaps the most poignant aspect of this question is how you are to
proceed when, please God, you have children. Before you approach this
issue, though, you must first consider why you are honestly against
intermarriage. How you understand the problem will greatly affect how
you will respond to it and there are certain implications in your
description of this issue that leads me to believe that your perception
of the issue is somewhat skewed, yielding the possibility of error in
how you proceed. Don’t get me wrong. Intermarriage is a powerful
challenge within the Jewish community and developing a proper response
to it is a most difficult undertaking. This is especially so when we
consider the message we wish to impart to our children in this regard.
This, however, makes the correct definition of the issue even more
important.
The
first item that hit me was how you mentioned that you do not wish to be
around your brother’s non-Jewish wife yet you do not mention anything
about her. As a person, do you like her? Do you dislike her? What has
she done to offend you? If anything, you should perhaps have great
difficulty being around your brother who has forsaken his heritage and,
it would seem, even his belief? I am, of course, not offering this as a
suggestion or even an alternative. Your brother’s conclusions about God,
religion and even his own Jewish identity are, most likely, the results
of weaknesses in our Jewish educational structures. In so many ways,
the reasons that are often presented for why someone should continue to
identify as a Jew and not intermarry are so weak that it is actually
amazing that even more individuals are not choosing to intermarry. I
clearly do not believe that you should have negative feelings towards
your brother because of his choice of a non-Jew as a wife. In the same
vein, though, I would also question why you would or should have
negative feelings towards his wife simply because she is not Jewish.
That is a fact that bothers you because of your beliefs – a matter we
shall discuss shortly – but it is not – and should not become – a
statement about her. She is simply a person acting pursuant to her
beliefs (with which you happen to disagree). Of course, there are times
when another’s beliefs are so offensive that they are a reason, in
themselves, for you to shun this person. But is that the case here? If
the woman is actually a fine human being than the harbouring of negative
feelings towards her simply because she is not Jewish – or, in more
specific terms, is a non-Jewish woman who chose to marry a Jew – is a
problem. From her perspective – and perhaps even more importantly, from
the perspective a rational natural morality -- she has done nothing
wrong. It is your belief in a Revelation at Sinai that declares her
behaviour to be wrong – and it is within this perspective, and only
within this perspective, that this dilemma must be approached.
This
leads me to the second item that struck me and that is the role of your
mother. While the Torah’s commands to honour parents are clearly of
high value (see Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 33), there is a clear limitation on them whenever they collide with any other Torah value. See Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 240:15. (See, further, Biurei HaGra.)
Concern for your mother is thus important but only subsequent to your
own independent determination of what is proper. It is only within the
spectrum of proper behaviour that one can consider the effect on parents
in terms of narrowing down the permitted options. On the surface, this
would seem to simply imply that concern for your mother’s familial
feelings should not be allowed to interfere with any clear-cut directive
to remain aloof from your brother’s wife. While this may be a proper
conclusion as well, this recognition of the gap between your mother’s
views and the Torah views also indicates that any deviation between your
mother’s negative view of intermarriage and the Torah’s negative view
must also be acknowledged and considered. In that, it would seem you and
your husband ate your kosher food at this wedding alone, your mother
does not share your views of Revelation and the binding nature of Jewish
Law. If this is so, why then is your mother against intermarriage?
Without a clear Revelational directive not to intermarry, human emotions
against intermarriage raises many questions and issues. It is important
as you proceed that, in both directions, you do not let your mother’s
perspectives – and even natural value selections – deviate you
improperly from the Torah path.
But what now is this Torah path? As we recite daily in the blessings we say in preparation of our study of Torah – asher bachar banu mikol ha’amim,
Who has chosen us from amongst all the nations – it is important for us
to understand that our root distinction as Jews is because God has
chosen us from amongst the other nations. It is a Divine act that has
distinguished us a Jews. If this is on our mind, we can also understand
that with this great distinction come great responsibilities. If God has
so honoured us by choosing us from amongst all the nations it must
clearly have a great purpose – and it is of this purpose that we must
continuously be conscious. What does this say in regard to
intermarriage? On the simplest level, we could argue that this idea
should tell us to have strong negative feelings towards a Jew who
intermarries because this person is throwing off a yoke of
responsibility. Yet, does the person truly see it this way? What about
the Divine honour that this person is also ignoring for it is God Who
has so chosen this person? The bottom line is that most people
intermarry because they don’t view their Jewish identity in this manner.
They do not see it as a responsible privilege that God has bestowed
upon them. It may even be that the non-Jewish spouse sees the marrying
of a Jew as more honourable than the Jew himself. The fact is that the
challenge of intermarriage should actually bring us back to consider the
very honour of being Jewish. If people are willing to challenge this
identity, it may be because these people simply do not value this
identity or do not value it enough. The proper response, thus, cannot be
to shun the non-Jewish spouse but, rather, to promote the honour of
this identity and to act in a manner, within the confines of Halacha, that meets its responsibilities and brings honour to the identity.
Bottom
line, what I am advocating is that you focus on the positive. As the
ancient fable goes, more can be accomplished by the sun shining brightly
than by the wind blowing violently. Your responsibility is to act as a
Jew and to make others look upon our status as Jews in a most positive
light. Within my organization, Nishma (www.nishma.org) our byline quotes from Devarim 4:6
which states that our goal should include the nations of the world
seeing us a “a wise and understanding people.” That is clearly not
always possible; our observance of Torah can also often lead to negative
perceptions from others and this cannot stop us either (see Rashi, Bamidbar 19:2).
Yet, for many reasons, attempting to be seen in a positive light must
also be part of our interaction with the world. Our Jewish identity must
be perceived as something honourable and of value in the world. It is
in this regard, that we can truly further foster commitments to Jewish
identity. In the case of intermarriage, one of the solutions is for the
non-Jewish spouse to convert (of course, fully pursuant to Halacha)
– and this does happen on occasion because this spouse’s new
interaction with the Jewish world has actually instilled in him/her a
value in being Jewish and thus a wish to become one (which then also
affects the spouse born Jewish). With children also the method of
dealing with such situations is by promoting the value of being Jewish,
not through a motivation from a fear that they will see the other
alternative as better. If your children say one day how unfortunate it
was that your brother intermarried or that his wife did not convert
because they have forsaken the honorable and responsible status of being
Jewish, you know you will have been successful.
So
what am I saying? This is a time for you to respond with not simply a
pride in being Jewish but with a recognition of the great honour and
responsibility that God has bestowed upon you. Act in a manner that
garnishes honour from God and your fellow human beings (Avot 2:1)
– that is the challenge that is before you. In this manner you could
even re-ignite positive feelings of Jewish identity in your brother and,
perhaps, kindle them in your sister-in-law. In this manner, you also
need not worry about your children coming in contact with this violation
of Jewish Law or with any individual who offers a lifestyle choice
contrary to Halacha. They will want the status of being one of
those who positively maintains the status that God has bestowed on them.
The answer lies simply in how you conduct yourself as a Jew.
