Yom Ha'atzma'ut Humor [circa 1948]

Originally published 5/8/08, 11:27 PM.

Let's go back to the Knesset some 60 years ago where a hot debate is taking place. The Secularists favor declaring "Hatikva" the national Anthem of the newly created state; while the Traditionalists favor Shir Hama'lot [Psalm 126 -Rosenblatt's Rendition] instead.

• Traditionalists: After all, what Mai'les [Yiddish for Ma'alot or advantages] does Hatikva have anyway?
• Secularists: Why should we do Shir Hama'alot? It is after all HOPEless!

So Hope beat out Advantages and the rest is History!


KT,
RRW

Mishenichnas Adar Marbin BePurim Torah

originally posted 03/08/09

Rabbi R sent out this:

“OPERATION PESACH” PROVIDES TOLL-FREE PASSOVER HOTLINE AND SELLS YOUR CHAMETZ TOO!!

“I’m a vegetarian.
Do I have to have meat on my Seder plate?” "

A supplemental question has been e-mailed me via cyber space:

I'm a carnivore.
Must I eat karpas/greens and marror/bitters at the seder?

Signed,
the late Dr. Robert Atkins, MD

…

Q: How do we know that the wicked Haman was descended from Amaleiq?

A: The Torah reading for Purim is taken from the end of the Portion Beshalach - "and then along came Amaleiq"

So we know that Purim is connected to Amaleiq but we do not yet know that Haman is connected to Amaleiq.

Well just prior to Amaleiq in Beshalach is the portion of "The Manna" in Hebrew it is the portion of "Haman"

Thus the juxtaposition of the two portions indicates a connection indicative that Haman is descended from Amaleiq.

Note: the text is in reverse order. Rashi states there is no specific order in the torah!

---

This one is said in the name of Rabbi Haim Soloveichik I, aka Reb Haim Brisker..

It says in Esther and in the "Al haNissim" prayer that Haman sought to destroy all Jews, men, women, and children on ONE DAY, viz. The 13th of Adar...

Q: Why is it significant to focus on a SINGLE DAY? Does that imply that had Haman sought to destroy the Jews over a week's period would Haman been any less wicked?

A: Yes. Haman was so wicked that he wanted to give the Jews just one day to celebrate his defeat, and not more!

---

Q: Why do yeshiva boys drink more on Purim than most people?

A: The rema shulchan aruch orach hayyim 695:2
says that people should drink "yoteir milimudo"
(more than their training).
And Since yeshiva boys are actively in training in their Torah studies therefore they need to drink more!

------------

A customer just came in.

Customer: I have fly to Seattle.
Me: When?
Customer On Purim right after the meal!

Me: I guess you'll be flying "high" then! :-)

-------
Abie: Izzy, how come you attack cynicism so much?
Izzy: Who says I do? And anyway, why shoudn't I?
Abie: Because YOU Izzy are quite the cynic yourself!
Izzy: And your point?
Abie: don't you see that you are a cynic and yet you are against cynicism!
Izzy: Not at all! I'm just so cynical that I'm even cycnical about cynicism!
Abie: Ya gotta be kidding!
Izzie: And after all, aren't you being cynical about my answer!?

Cute Quote

The original Author is unknown. At any rate, R Yerachmiel shared this with me:

«My daughter is expecting # 3 Bshaah tova umutzlachat.  When she holds her son's hand while pushing her daughter in the stroller, they are:
 
Hashta,
Ba'agalah,
Uvizman kariv. 

Best Regards,
RRW

For Sale: A Portion in Olam Haba

«So all in all I think my Chelek in Olam Habaah is definitely worth a pretty penny. Don't be a cheap Jew, and fork it over like it's Maftir Yona. Remember - you're bidding on an eternal reward in heaven!The winning bidder will receive a signed contract, guaranteeing my timeshare in Shomaim, and an additional signed contract guaranteeing that I will not become a bigger Baal Aveira than I am now, and that if I become a Baal Teshuva (don't bet on it), I will pay the fair market value for the return of my Olam Habaah.If you have any questions please feel free to contact me at Facebook.com/Rachmuna

Thank you, and happy bidding.

http://item.mobileweb.ebay.com/viewitem?itemId=171047172030


Best Regards,
RRW

Which Minhag?

Q: Which is the only Minhag that unites
• Hassidim
• Yekkes
• Followers Of the Gra
• Followers Of The Rema

A: Qitniyyot LOL


Best Regards,
RRW

Matchless, Martian Humour!

Originally published 9/11/12, 12:34 pm.
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
 
"Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms yelling "No, no, don't!" and grabbing the match away.
 
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match...and now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms yelling "No, no, don't do that!"
 
The astronaut says to his buddy, "It looks serious. What are they afraid of? He turns to the Martian and says "We mean you no harm but we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". Before the Martian can react, he strikes the match, which flames up, burns down, and...nothing happens. "Why did you try to prevent us from striking a match?"
 
The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Shabbos!"


Shanah Tovah,
Best Wishes for 5773!

What Should a Rabbi Know? 2 - An Informal Survey of Actual Rabbis

Originally published 5/4/11, 3:27 pm.
These snippets are based upon actual statements made to me directly or reported to me. Some of these paraphrases were technically NOT from actual rabbis, but from other self-styled "experts".

In Part 3 I will advance my hypothesis. These underlying attitudes will serve to support my findings.

Rabbi A - Astrology is only for the feeble minded

Rabbi B - Philosophy as per Rambam and Aristotle is essential

Rabbi C - Philosophy is treif - do Kabbalah * [see more detail on this below]

Rabbi D - secular learning is essential

Rabbi E - secular learning is Treif

Rabbi F - Kabbalah is good, and Yesodei Hatorah the Moreh and the first Shaar of Hovot Halvaavot is Kosher "Mechqar"

Rabbi G - Kabbalah is good, and Yesodei Hatorah the Moreh and the first Shaar of Hovot Halvaavot is Treif "Mechqar"

Rabbi H - Kabbalah up to the Arizal is good - afterwards it's bad

Rabbi I - Kabbalah before Arizal is a waste of time

Rabbi J -the Pardeis Rimonim is an important introduction to Kabbalah

Rabbi K -the Arizal made the Pardeis obsolete, thus the Pardeis has been superceded.

Rabbi L - all Kabbalah is a waste

Rabbi M - Kabbalah is not a waste but it must be a closely guarded secret

Rabbi N - Kabbalah is for everyone and ought to be promoted.

Rabbi O - Mussar Good. Kabbalah Bad

Rabbi P - don't bother with anything else besides Tanya

Rabbi Q - don't bother with anything else besides [Rav Nachman's] Likkutei Moharan

Rabbi R - don't bother with anything else besides [R Chaim Volozhener's] Nefesh Hachaim

Rabbi S - R Aryeh Kaplan teaches sufficient Kabbalah for any good Jew

Rabbi T - R Aryeh Kaplan teaches a superficial subset of Kabbalah which is really not sufficient for any intelligent Jew

Rabbi U - Since the answer to your question requires advanced Kabballah, I'm not addressing it

Rabbi V - Since the answer to your question requires advanced Kabballah, therefore it's incumbent upon me to coach you on Kabbalah so that I may fully explain to you the answer.

Shalom,
RRW

Signs of the Times

Originally published 4/26/11, 9:23 pm.
As I went to daven Minchah a Chavruta was studying TB Shabbat.
One fellow was using a standard Vilna edition.
His Chavruta was using the original Steinsaltz Edition.
Between them, on the side, lay the Bilingual Schottenstein Edition.
They were apparently covering all of their bases!

Shalom,
RRW

Some Humour and Wisdom from TB M'gillah 11a

Originally published 4/13/11, 8:57 pm.
While working on a Siyyum on TB M'gillah I noticed these tidbits...

Q: How do we know that the yud in the Hebrew word Vayhee [EG Esther 1:1] has a sh'va nach?
A: Because of Rav's drashah
TB M'gillah 11a
VayHee = Vay Hee
QED ;-)

Q: How do we know that the levying of taxes will impoverish the nation?
A: Because of Rav Haninah's D'rashah TB M'gillah 11a viz.
That the king was named
"Achashveirosh" because he levied taxes making all poor [rash] in his time ;-)

Shalom,
RRW

Shu"t Purim - Hameitz on Purim

Originally published 3/20/11/7;03 pm.
Q: Rabbi Wolpoe - how do we know that we Jews behave "crazy" on Purim?

A: Because 30 days prior to Pesach - when we're supposed to begin ridding ourselves of excess Hameitz - we send massive amounts of Hameitz to everyone we know (including casual acquaintances) in a March Madness known as Mishloach Manot while engaging in a kol haMarbeh harei zeh Meshubach Manic Mindset
If we really had good humros -we would disallow any newly manufactured Hameitz and either gift no Hameitz before its time or at least rid ourselves of any pre-existing Hameitz instead of multiplying it anew. Not to mention, Haddash assur min hatorah!
Kein Nireh lefi Shikrut Daati

PS. (Mahadura t',inah).B"H. I have discovered that there is a wonderful minhag to consume copious amounts of liquid hameitz in the forms or beer and booze davqa 30 days before Pesach -
So never mind! :)

Freilichen
Shalom,
RRW

'Tis the Season Purim Humour

Originally published 3/20/11, 11:26 am.
Here's a cute joke I heard at a Bar Mitzvah
Rashi's wife comes home from shopping....
Rashi: Your new shoes don't match your dress
Mrs. Rashi: Rashi! Do you have to comment on EVERYTHING!?

Frelichen Purim,
Shalom,
RRW

Humrot, Left and Right

Originally published 4/14/10, 11:00 pm.
My problem with Right-Wingers is that they conflate Humrot with baseline halachah, thereby undermining credibility in the Halachic System. Since they draw the line in the sand too aggressively, the entire system may lose its hold on the Observant Community.

And
My problem with Left-Wingers is that they presume every Humra is nonsense regardless of its history or wisdom. They ignore assu s'yag l'Torah or define it down to being worthless.

Humrot should be evaluated from time to time. Some are more approrpriate than others.
And Rememeber that we should NEVER generalize --BIG GRIN--

KT,
RRW

Some Holiday Humour

Originally published 4/2/10, 1:00 pm.
This is simply Cute - albeit Sick - Humour I received over the net

Jewish holidays are for people with illnesses:

• Purim is for alcoholics
• Pesach is for OCDs
• Shavuos is for insomniacs
• Lag B'omer is for pyromaniacs who weren't satisfied with Chanuka.
• Tisha B'Av is for manic depressives
• Rosh Hashana is for people who obsess over dying.
• Yom Kippur is for anorexics
• Sukkos is for the homeless
• Simchas Torah is for those in their happier stages of bipolar

Mi K'Amcha Yisroel!

... and people still wonder why the Jews invented psychology.

Wishing you a happy, kosher Pesach.

-RRW

Hameitz Contracts - a Purim Approach

Originally published 4/1/10, 5:45 pm.
Recently, a group requested to compare their Sale-of-Hameitz contracts. Here is my approach to these contracts - an approach I find superior - at least in the realm of humour! I myself have a simple approach to contracts - namely, after Purim, I take out a contract to destroy all hameitz!

I simply give some cash to several gentlemen with names like Tony, Vito. Big Al, and Guido. They just whack all the Hameitz until no Hameitz remains. This is not a really new approach at all! In fact - this type of contract has been helping families solve their hameitz problems for years - as well as addressing several other difficult situations

Usually Tony, Vito et al. Leave no trace of Hametz behind. AND they enjoy their work so much that they have a blast doing it. Whatever, if you choose this method, don't let Elliot the miracle-man know ;-)

In the spirit of Purim,
RRW

Purim V

Originally published 2/27/10, 9:51 pm.
Kol ho'omer davar b'sheim omro meivi g'ulah l'olam Avot 6:6

I always wondered how that could work?
How does citing the proper source bring g'ula?

Shloymie: Rabbi Wolpoe - with all due respect. [WADR] you overlook the obvious

RRW: How so?

Shloymie: L'mashal - if Rambam says to behave a certain way, or to observe a certain dynamic, or to think along certain lines - we have to follow the Rambam.

RRW: So?

Shloymie: BUT if we can say b'sheim omro that the source is Aristotle we are freed from obeying! Since who is Aristotle to tell us how to think or behave?

RRW: AHA

Shloymie: This rescue from his strictures is a form of g'ulah

RRW: Any more?

Shloymie: You surprise me! L'mashal say R Yisroel Salanter minted thirteen middos of behaviour to emulate on a rotating basis.

RRW: Go on.

Shloymie: But if we were to l'mashal find out that those same middos were penned 100 years earlier by Benjamin Franklin in his Autobiography - it would change everything! Once we would know the sheim om'ro, we are no longer m'chuyyav to observe these middos - because they have an alien basis.

RRW: I see! So b'sheim Om'ro brings g'ulah by ad hominem attacking the source and side-stepping the wisdom or advice beig offered!.

Shloymie: Exactly! Now you got it Rabbi! V'nahaphoch Hu!

Freilichen Purim,
RRW

Purim IV

Originally published 2/26/10, 5:20 pm.
It seems Hazal claim that Achashveirosh [XERXES] was a tippesh -  stupid.
I think - v'nahapoch Hu
In the first half of the Megillah the Jews suffer.
In the second half Haman and his allies suffer.
But all the while Achashveirosh is partying along having a merry ol time - and always running with the front-runner. This reminds me of Italy during WWI and WWII, always joining the side that's winning.
 Doesn't sound so stupid now, does it?
Have your own v'nahapoch hu this Purim.

RRW

Purim III

Originally published 2/26/10, 11:30 am.
New Humra: Olympic Glatt.

Traditionally Kosher Meat has been classified into a stratified hierarchy

• Kosher
• Glatt Kosher
• Beth Joseph Glatt Kosher.

And now, in honour of the Vancouver Winter Olympics we introduce to the Podium:

• "Olympic Glatt Kosher"

When inspecting the lungs the new procedure will be performed by an Olympic ice skater who will verify the smoothness of the lung by SKATING on it.
There is already a Machloqet as to how this is done

A. Rabbi Oh! No! says:
Use a Speed Skater.

B. Rabbi Lutz Says
Use a Figure Skater - should figure 8 out.

R Langenbrunner says
A Hockey Player should CHECK the lungs.

Within "A" some say
Short Track [kitzur b'diqah]
Others are mattir ANY Speed skater
Others mattir ANY Olympic Skater
Wome say women's figure skaters are not allowed because of mar'it ayin - no staring at their costumes.

Any lung smooth enough for ice skating will be deemed Olympic Glatt. Rejects will be tested for lesser forms of smoothness and sent DOWNHILL to lesser forms of Kosher before being disqualified.

Freilichen Purim,
RRW

Purim II

Originally published 2/25/10, 6:18 PM.
We are now observing Parshat Zachor in Yeshivat Machmirim min Hamachmirim.

Here is the description as transcribed by the Press Corps covering the Olympic Laining Tryouts...

In a 3.5 hour long ritual, Parshat Zachor will be read sufficient times so as to cover all the Halachic bases - a kind of Spring Training for Baaeli Q'riah.

First - the entire Zachor must be read in full twice - once with Zecher and once with Zeicher
Second - every halachic permutation for the proper Torah and Masoretic text must be accommodated. 

What good is Zachor with Zecher if the sefer is not correct!? Thus Ashkenazic scrolls, Rambam Scrolls, Chabad Scrolls, Mitnagged scrolls etc. must be supplied using every version of Sta"m Ashurit EG Beth Yosef and Arizal etc.

Third - every communal pronunciation must also be accounted for

• Teimani
• Moroccan
• Syrian
• Yekke
• Spanish-Portuguese
• Litvisher
• Hungarian
• Polish
• Galician
• Romanian
• Modern Israeli
• Etc.

Must also be lained in conjunction with all of the above.

The Ritual takes about 3.5 hours to read the 3 verses enough times to satisfy everyone. The amount of otyot read accumulates to 75,000 which matches the death toll in Persia on the 13th of Adar.

After the marathon laining is over, everyone is too tired to eat so a cup of wine is consumed for kiddush, and then the community then takes its Shabbat nap, giving this yeshiva of machmirim a head start on ad d'lo yada before the rest of the world rests.

Freilichen Purim,
RRW

Purim I

Originally published 2/25/10, 9:22 AM.
So if the Book of Esther is about Esther
And the Book of Ruth is about Ruth
Is the Book of Tanya about a woman named Tanya?
Freilichen Purim

How did Rabbinic Judaism, ever get off the ground in the first place? A Story

Originally published 1/3/10, 9:01 PM.
The epitome of this blog post below:

«It's my experience that even the believers are skeptics to new concepts, gezeiros, etc.»

How true. No amount of evidence will change most people's minds once they're made up.

"Still a Jew hears what he/she wants to hear and disregards the rest" [apologies to Paul Simon]


And it's even harder to change what they do.

Enjoy this cute snippet.

KT,
RRW

How did Rabbinic Judaism ever get off the ground in the first place?

Imagine, if you will. Chaim Yankel comes home from the First Congregation Anshe Yavneh Shul around 10:30 Shabbos morning in the year 101 AD.

"Shprintze, I'm home - "
""You're so late!"
"Well," he said, "we had a new Rav in shul today, and he made us repeat the shmoneh Esrai"
"You're kidding. What for?"
"He called it Chazoras Hashatz".
"Hmmm," she says, rearranging the table.
"You can't do that," said Chaim Yankel.
"Why not?"
"That's Muktzeh!"
"What's that?"
"Err, never mind..."
She rushes to kiss him.
"Stop!"
"What's the matter?"
"You're a Niddah!"
"What?"
"You're a Niddah."
"No I'm not. I'm a Zavah."
"Not anymore you ain't. And we now have Harchakos."

"The next day, Chaim Yankel, whose kids were all married off, found himself signing up at the "Second Congregation Anshe Yavneh". The Reish Gelusah is not getting to first base with his mispalelim, no matter what kind of believers they are. It's my experience that even the believers are skeptics to new concepts, gezeiros, etc.


But! The Resh Gelusa will have success in introducing this "stuff" to the kinderlach in yeshiva. It is the kinderlach who look at the bowl of fruit and refuse to eat the strawberries. »

From:
Baal Habos:
March 2009
http://baalhabos.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html