The question arises many times: would I officiate at a wedding when the bride and groom are not Torah observant? I am not talking about a case where one of the wedding families are member in an Orthodox synagogue but the situation that I have confronted various times when someone calls me on the phone to ask if I do weddings. Invariably it is a couple not affiliated with a synagogue who are looking for a rabbi to 'marry' them. The question is: should I do it or not?
My first consideration may be the various technical constraints I would want to place in condition of my acceptance to officiate. Must the wedding celebration be kosher? Must the bride go to mikvah prior to the chuppah? (In a broader sense, would I want to ensure that the wedding date coincides for halachic purposes with her menstrual cycle?) Yet all these technical issues are not the real focus of my question. The bottom line is: do I want to impose Orthodox standards on individuals who do not value them?
In the back of my mind is the reality of the world that surrounds us with a greater divorce rate and a higher incidence, it would seem, of adultery. If I 'marry' someone, the wife would be an eishet ish according to Halacha. Would this couple truly understand what that means and act accordingly? If the marriage dissolved, would a get be a question? Is there within this couple a true concern for mamzeirut? Would there be more concern for the severity of a violation of Halacha?
My response has actually been to refrain from performing such marriages. While I recognize that there is value in the performance of a proper chuppah and kiddushin, I am simply reluctant to apply the world of Halacha standards to individuals who do not inherently have respect for such standards. I question the performance of a halachic wedding thereby the creation of Halachic standards when the individuals who are the specific guardians of such standards in this case have no concern for such standards. Although it is difficult for me to say this, I find it better to let someone get married not pursuant to halachic standards than to marry someone who will may then divorce this spouse without consideration for a get thereby creating a possibility of mamzeirut. There are clearly arguments against this but I just feel that there is a problem in imposing Orthodoxy and Orthodox standards upon those who have no respect of interest in these standards. The standards themselves become the further victims.
It is with this in mind, that I direct you to the following article dealing with civil unions in Israel,
http://www.jpost.com/JewishWorld/JewishNews/Article.aspx?id=205981
The bottom line question I believe is the same: Is there not a problem in imposing Halacha upon individuals who have, r"l, no respect for it?
Rabbi Ben Hecht
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