This post continues this series on the Nishmablog that features responses on JVO by one of our two Nishma Scholars who are on this panel. This week's presentation is to one of the questions to which Rabbi Hecht responded.
* * * * *
Question: How do Jewish values apply to this question, which appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Ethicist column. I am a single woman in my mid-20s. I recently learned from my dear friend that she has developed a longtime pattern of cheating on her husband of five years. I understand cheating happens for various reasons - but if I remain friends with her, am I condoning her ongoing behavior? If I am "anti-compulsive-cheating," do I therefore have to be "anti-her"? I value many aspects of our friendship, but don't see her (or my) views on philandering ever changing. What is the Jewish response to this?
Friendship is a very important value – and challenge -- within Torah. See, for example, Avot 1:6,7; 2:13,14.
The reality is that we do not live alone but, in fact, are social
beings. We are meant to relate to others – and herein lies the value and
the challenge. As social beings, we inherently affect and are affected
by others – and this is part of the Divine plan in that our goal is not
solely our personal development but the triumph of everyone’s
development within a proper communal model. We thus must consider our
relationships very carefully with a recognition that we have a
responsibility for ourselves and others. We, thus, must ensure that our
friendships affect us positively and not negatively while we also accept
the obligation, to the best of our abilities, to affect others
positively and not negatively.
When
we reflect upon friendship, we, of course, must still consider our
emotional feelings for each other. Friendship, in many ways, is clearly
an alogical activity – who can truly say why we love or like another?
The Torah perspective on friendship and relationships is not intended to
change our human connections into solely a pragmatic activity whereby
our only consideration is how we may benefit and receive benefit from
another, albeit even of a spiritual nature. The reality is that we have
connections with others and our emotions and familial connections inform
us of the nature of these connections. This is part of the Divine plan.
The further call, though, is to build upon these connections in the
furtherance of the Divine plan – and so our emotions must translate into
responsibilities.
Thus,
in your particular case, you find yourself bonded in friendship to
another with an immoral standard. The question is: how are you to
respond in such a situation? The fact that you have a connection with
this person means that this is a situation to which you must respond.
You cannot simply walk away or ignore the responsibilities that go with
the reality of this friendship. We have a responsibility to assist
another in their moral challenges (Vayikra 19:17.18)
and this is doubly so when we have a further, special bond with them.
The issue is not simply whether you can be friends with this woman but
how you should conduct this friendship. This is broader than the sole
issue that you mention. It may be that you may not be able to change her
conduct – but do not think solely in the short run. Maybe your
friendship with her will eventually affect her positively in this regard
over time. Maybe, still, it will never affect her in this particular
way but your friendship will be positive for her in other ways and that
also is important. You being a positive influence in your friend’s life
has value.
There
is, however, a limitation on this. You have to also be aware of the
possibility of being a negative influence through your acquiescence of
her behaviour. It may be that you cannot change her actions and it may
be that you are a positive influence upon your friend in other ways but
you must also be concerned that maintaining your friendship could give
the impression that you are in agreement with her behaviour. There is
also the possibility that others may interpret your friendship as a
tacit approval of her behaviour. Giving a wrong impression is a negative
value in its own right and it also has to be a consideration. It is
always important that you are clear about your moral standards.
This
leads into the other side of the issue – the effect of this
relationship upon you. You also have a responsibility to yourself to
maintain friendships with people who have a positive influence on your
life. While you may think that you are not being affected by this
woman’s negative behaviour, the reality is that one could be negatively
affected by another’s actions in the most subtle of ways. Even simply
tolerating the negative behaviour of others can have negative effects
upon a person. There are many further ways that sharing a friendship
with a person of poor moral stature can have negative effects on a
person. Maintaining a friendship cannot override your duty to your own
personal integrity and ethical standards and development.
So
the answer to your question in terms of how Judaism would respond to
such an issue is actually a most complex one. Every case is actually
different based upon the actual personalities involved and the nature of
the friendship and relationship. You are responsible for yourself and
for others although the responsibility to self has priority in terms of
personal, ethical development. You should not walk away unless you must
but it is also important that, even if you maintain, the relationship,
you never give the impression that you accept her negative behaviour.
That may actually be a strain on the relationship but there is a greater
good than the friendship and, although we value friendship, we are
further committed to the greater Divine good.
No comments:
Post a Comment