This post continues the weekly series on the Nishmablog that features responses on JVO by one of our two Nishma Scholars who are on this panel. This week's presentation is to one of the questions to which Rabbi Hecht responded.
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Question: My wife wants to watch porn from time to time to help with arousal, where would that fall with regard to the law?
My first response when I saw this question was a reluctance to answer it. This is because these types of questions are regarded, by Jewish thought, to be of a private nature and, as such, public discussions of such issues are deemed to be inappropriate. Yet, perhaps, this very concept of private and public, itself, needed to be imparted – and, in many ways, this idea is, also, the very basis of an answer.
The dominant opinion within Torah thought considers a proper
manifestation of human sexuality to be an important ideal. The Iggeret
HaKodesh, a medieval work that tradition ascribes to the Ramban
(Nachmanides), presents this idea clearly. He begins with an open
challenge of the view of Rambam (Maimonides) who maintained a more
negative perception of the physical and sexuality in particular.
(Maimonides represents a minority view that was rejected by the vast
majority of Torah thinkers). The Iggeret HaKodesh states that as human
sexuality was a creation of God and was part of His intention for human
beings, it must be inherently good. In support of this idea, we may
refer to Rashi, Genesis 4:1 who clearly states that, while the verse
informing us of the births of Cain and Abel does follow the story of the
Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the text, they were actually
conceived and born prior to this event. A mating relationship with a
positive expression of sexuality was God’s intent for humanity.
Genesis 2:18-24 further expresses this idea. In reading these
verses what immediately comes to mind is that human sexual experience is
not simply a method of reproduction. If the only purpose of sex for
human beings was reproduction, God could have created male and female
directly as He did with all the animals. God’s unique method of creating
Eve was to declare the relationship essence of human mating. Sex is not
just a physical act. See Rashi, Genesis 2:23. with Gur Aryeh. It is not
even a general form of relating; it is a specific method of personal
relating between a man and a woman who are joining together to form a
unity greater than themselves individually.
This idea is at the root of the Torah understanding of human
sexuality. Permitted sexuality is not just simply a tolerated way for a
male and female to satisfy a generic, physical drive. Human sexuality is
deemed to be a private concern because the human sexual drive, at its
roots, is a specific drive for a specific individual of the opposite
sex. Any discussion of sexual behaviour is, thus, not seen as generic.
It is not like teaching someone to dance whereby you can just switch
partners. Any discussion must, by definition, be private for it is a
discussion only about these two individuals and how they specifically
relate.
Of course, as with any behaviour that is individualistic, there may
be some general directions and parameters to assist the couple to reach
their goal of including sexuality as an important, even necessary, part
of their relationship. One of these guidelines from a Torah perspective
is the mitzvah of onah, marital conjugality. See Shulchan Aruch, Even
HaEzer, chap. 76. A husband is commanded, within parameters, to satisfy
the sexual needs of his wife and, while this is generally framed in a
quantitative manner, it also has a qualitative factor. Pleasure is part
of the reality of sexual contact and a concern for his wife’s pleasure
is part of his obligation, notwithstanding that this concern should also
flow from the love that should be inherent in this union. In support of
this positive view of sexual pleasure between husband and wife, see
Micah 2:9 and T.B. Eruvin 63b amongst many other sources.
With this preamble, we can now understand the nature of this
question before us. A wife’s pleasure in sexuality is clearly important
and thus taking appropriate steps to help with her arousal is an
important undertaking. The question is whether watching porn is an
appropriate step. Pornography is clearly a presentation of the human
sexual act as generic and solely physical without any recognition of its
significance in the uniqueness of a relationship between individuals.
This principle is found in many laws directed to ensure that the arousal
between husband and wife is specific to their relationship and emerges
and flows from their individualistic relationship. Without entering into
a technical discussion of these laws and legal principles, allow me to
just cite the following:
a) Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 387 – the prohibition to stray with one’s eyes;
b) T.B. Baba Batra 57b – the prohibition of watching women washing
clothes by the river as their movement and dress could arouse;
c) Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 23:3 – the prohibition of watching animals and birds mating.
The result is a conflict of values: while we wish for a wife to
have a satisfying, physical relationship with her husband, we also have
difficulties with even the observing of a generic act of sex.
Encountering and responding to a conflict between values, however, are
the norm within a life of Torah. For example, the vast majority of
Biblical laws may be violated in a life-threatening situation; what the
Torah is really stating is that when there is a conflict between the
value of life and most other Torah values, the value of life takes
precedence. Such rules abound. In most cases, somewhat serious illness
will override most Rabbinic prohibitions; medical treatment such as
surgery is not deemed to be a violation of the law against striking
another. (See Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 595). Certain individual
circumstances may call upon us to follow a more lenient opinion even
though the normative practice is stricter. The essential role of the
rabbi is, in fact, to adjudicate in all such situations and to
determine, given the numerous principles that are to serve as a guide,
how one is to behave when there is a conflict of values.
In response to the question, we, thus, would have to conclude that
this couple should actually speak to their rabbi about this. This is
doubly so because of the private and individualistic nature of a
relationship; the answer that may apply to one couple may not apply to
another. We do not know the specific circumstances and the underlying
reasons for why the wife needs this stimulus. We are not talking about
the generic application of sexuality but the specific nature of this
relationship. Clearly, our goal would be to assist in the creation of a
situation whereby the wife would not need this stimulus. We wish the
relationship to be private, individualistic and specific. In the short
run, though, this couple should speak to their halahic authority who
will direct them how to proceed.
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